I fell for you. I fell hard for you. For the past 2 months, I have fallen into a deeper depression because I no longer have you by my side. You have been my rock for so long, and I have spent so many hours, days, weeks saying I forgive you over and over again. I forgave you the first time, and I forgive you this time. I forgive you because I love you.

But something clicked the other night. I never needed to forgive you… I need to forgive myself. I need to forgive myself so that I can finally love myself.

I don’t know what turned on the light bulb, but when it did turn on all I could do was just break down and cry. That one moment of realization opened up every scar, wound, bruise that I held inside me. It was so painful and so freeing all at the same time. I never experienced anything like it. It was as close as anyone can come to seeing themselves from an outsiders perspective.

As humans, we are naturally hard on ourselves, but I have always been exceptionally hard on myself. Everything from my appearance to things I do and say, it has always just been wrong. I have kept a shield up to keep everyone away, (except for one amazing motherfucker who managed to sneak his way in) because I thought I was never good enough to love. I was never good enough, not to other people, but to myself. I didn’t know any of this until now.

In guarding myself so tight, I ended up hardening myself up to the world. I made it impossible for someone to love me. God knows he tried to love me, but he couldn’t because I couldn’t love me. He has been the only one to get this through my thick stubborn head. You really don’t know what you had until it’s gone. I wish I had seen what he saw in me a long time ago. Maybe we really could have made it work. But at the same time, I don’t think I would have come to this conclusion without him.

I need to forgive myself. I need to forgive that I am different. That I am me and no one else. I need to forgive that I have and will always make mistakes. I will fall down, but I need to brush off and keep going. I need to forgive the fact that I am so hard on myself and that I neglected myself for so long. I need to forgive myself for seeing me as a monster for all these years. I need to forgive myself because I am only human, and I am every bit as beautiful and important as anyone else.

I know that once I forgive myself I can finally learn to love myself. I’m a long way from the finish line, but realizing what you’re battling against can make it a little easier.

As I sit here on my bed, everything is all too familiar.

It’s like I never left. Back here in the same town and same house that I grew up in. It’s like nothing has changed. But also like everything has changed. It’s like I just woke up from dream. But a dream I never wanted to end. A dream about you. 

It’s almost as if I can’t tell if it was a dream or a memory. I remember every detail in my head, but it’s almost like your memory is fading from my body. It’s hard to remember what it felt like to hold you. I remember it felt effortless. But I can’t feel your touch anymore. 

I lay here every night, terrified to go to sleep. Terrified I might see you in my actual dreams. Terrified that once I wake, you’re no longer there. 

I sit here in my room feeling everything I used to feel before you came along. Empty. Lonely. Sad. Only everything’s heightened. 

Everything’s the same, except there’s a new dog and these four blue walls that surround me, are no longer my home.

“I’ve got a one way ticket, I’m a rolling stone,
I’m a goodbye kiss and then I’m going, going, gone.
Like wind, like fire, like rain,
Know I’m never coming back again.” -Boys like Girls

I listened to this song today and it just hit me in the best way possible.

My whole life I have been just sleep walking through my life. I’ve always only seen two options that I have to choose from…

1. Bury myself under the covers and hide from the world. Blend in with the crowd so they can’t see how lost and broken I am. Live everyday almost the exact same way… get up… go to work… come home… eat… sleep… repeat. 

or

2. Run away. Forget about everything. Let go and just let it be. Let the wind blow you in every direction possible. Forget about stress, money, people, what society wants you to be or do. Just be completely free.

The thing about these two options is one of them I hate with a passion and the other… it creates passion. It would make sense to choose the one that creates passion, so why do I constantly choose the one that kills it?

I don’t know about anyone else, but I want to experience everything! I want to dip my toes in the sand and ocean off the coast of California. I want to drive through the longest darkest tunnels that run through mountains. I want to experience the fall on the east coast. Go to New York City. I want to surf in Hawaii. Hike down the Grand Canyon. Hike the Appalachian Trail that spans from Georgia to Maine. Bungee Jump off a bridge. Swim with sharks. Learn a new culture. Feel small in this expansive world. Literally everything!

The hardest part for me is just letting go. 

I’m going to ignore what society tells me is right, and I’m going to experience the world in my own way. I think that’s where I’m finally going to find myself. 

Between a caged bird and a free bird, which one do you think is happier? 

-Danielle 

3:12 am.

Insomnia tucks me in every night. Everything in my head screams one thing…

I miss you.

It’s been over 3 weeks since we parted ways. I never knew someone could hold so much heartache until now. We both feel it and maybe that makes it worse. I don’t want this but i can’t hide that I’m broken anymore. The world broke me. You can’t be with someone who is broken, and neither can I. 

I miss you. I miss everything about you. The mornings are the hardest. I miss waking up next to you. How before our hectic days started, we just laid next to each other, wrapped in each others arms. It was peaceful. Calming. Happy. Every bad thought didn’t exist. The world didn’t exist. Just you and me. I miss the sweet sound of your voice. How I would go downstairs and you would be in the kitchen singing to yourself. You have the most amazing voice. I loved when you would play the piano and sing for me. Gave me goosebumps every time. I miss running my hands through your unrealistically soft hair. You really have THE softest hair. I miss your hugs. Sometimes the only thing that could get me through the day. I miss the excitement you got when you came up with a new idea. Passion just radiated out of you. I miss your smile, your perfect smile. I miss our fights, because at least I could still say I’m sorry and that I love you. So many reasons I miss you that I can’t even possibly name all of them, but I mostly miss my best friend. One of the only people I could completely and fully be myself around.

Everything about you was my favorite thing. I never believed in love until you came into my life. You were a twist in my story. I feel in every bone in my body I found what others call “the one”. (I know you don’t believe in that stuff) Well, you may be the right one, but it was definitely the wrong time. I know our story isn’t finished, and maybe we will get to finish it someday. Maybe not. But one thing I know is I can’t hold out for hope. You were the best thing that has ever happened to me, and this is my goodbye. I have to focus on me. Ignite my own flame again. But for right now… I’m just content on missing you. And I want to thank you for being such a beautiful person. You’ve changed my life forever.

-Danielle

I don’t even know where to start.

I’ve never really been one to completely open up to people or even to myself for that matter. I’ve always held back, and to be honest I have no idea why.

For most people it’s clear that they must have gotten hurt by someone/something in the past. Something must have pulled a trigger inside to make them shut down and start building walls.

Well… I’ve always had these walls. Even before people started hurting me. 

Am I afraid of love? Life? People in general? Myself?

I guess you can say yes to all of these. But what was my trigger? That’s something I’m still learning myself. 

I have always kind of been lost. There was a time where I was starting to get the hang of things. I had motivation, inspiration, drive, love, passion!! I started to love myself, but I couldn’t quite finish. Why?

Why do some people just make it look so easy? It’s like you watch them float by you on a cloud on a sunny day, while you’re on a ship in the middle of a hurricane, with 100 foot waves trying to make you sink.

I guess it’s all about perspective. To me, I see these people and I envy them. But what I see is an illusion. Maybe they have more figured out than I do, but that doesn’t mean they haven’t been through similar struggles. Maybe worse struggles. 

I let fear and anxiety seep through me until it’s gotten into every vein, bone, and muscle I have. It cuddles me at night, drawing me in closer and closer until I feel suffocated. By day, it’s my only friend.

But those people I “envy”, they have a similar friend. Some are just starting to cut the strings. Others have completely ripped the roots right out of the ground. 

I am a working progress, “under construction” and I have to build my own road. There will be delays, screw ups, and storms that will try to prevent my road from being finished, but mark my words… it will be finished.

I see the clouds starting to break apart and letting the sun seep through. The waters are starting to calm, and I can finally see the horizon again.

-Danielle

Hi!

I’m really new at this but sure, I’ll give it a go!

So… I’m a pretty complicated creature. I have still haven’t figured myself out, how could I expect someone else to?

It’s human instincts that drive us to do something or to be someone. But what if those instincts are all over the place? Well, then you get me. 

I am a girl who wanders and wonders. My mind never shuts up and I have an itch to explore and to never stay in one place for too long. I am always evolving to mold into the surroundings around me. Some might say that’s a lost soul. Maybe they’re right. 

But does anyone truly have the pleasure of really knowing themselves? 

I find absolute pleasure in learning about myself over and over again. It reminds me I’m not a robot, and that I’m real. If you’re not learning different sides of you that you might have never explored, how are you growing as a person?

People and experiences are what shape you. You are your own individual with your own mind, but you can’t possibly know everything there is to know. That is where “friends” come into play. 

The people that you meet and grow to love teach you more about yourself than you could’ve figured out on your own. Hear me out on this. 

I was that person. The one who kept to themselves and thought no one can teach me how to be me. I’m one of a kind and there is no one else out there who is just like me. That’s right to a certain extent. You are your own person, but there are a lot of other people out there that are similar. 

Some people will be there to help you achieve something you never thought was possible. To see something through another persons eyes will only help you grow as your own individual. Help you realize that there is different view points that can be just as right as yours, and open your eyes to new possibilities you never imagined. 

Immerse yourself in these people. They don’t stay around for long. Learn as much as you possibly can from these people. They help save you from the boring life you would’ve had without them. 

I am an ever changing person who will always wander and wonder. I don’t think I can ever change that, but I do thank all the individuals that have helped me get where I am today. I wouldn’t be me without them. 

Until next time.